Hateeeeeee success and love, and giving up as badly as possible? And you, mutant little angel?
Do you have a particular skill, but refuse to give answers? Have knowledge but deny sharing and are capable of brushing people off with a glance, are you the type who can give a thumbs down on progress, without trying? Repudiate an Obama or Kennedy speech with a movement of an eyebrow? Do you have a face that can sink a thousand ships, and the soul of the Antarctic? Frigid? Uncaring? Selfish? Back stabbing your specialty? Can you bring on the waterworks in a roomful of saints? Really, well I highly doubt it.
You simply do not have enough hogwash, gripe, scum, fecal residue, rejectementa, swill and cunning ways to a member of this club. Get out now, no, I was just joking and really I can't stand that, we ummm, are irritated to have you join us. Still we have the chance for discouragement, we know in the evilest way possible that you can fail at anything and do it any time anywhere, after all it is a free country? And if free country isn't about getting away with murder and sloth, and envy and puppetry than what are they about? Stifle any attempt to answer these questions.
Yes, it is the first Inter-Plannetary Frown, who can be the whiniest, best scowl, grump, irritable brain syndrome, can't do that, I am too lazy, it can't happen to me, depression is incurable, I'll never get ahead, I am too old, too fat, too ugly not smart enough, keep on making excuses, gotta go too busy facebooking, twittering and texting all at the same time in a state of self absorption to say "hello,' I am peeved and irked, no one loves me, my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife is an idiot, doom and gloom contest.
We are hoping that you join, because you are really great at putting others down and that self-decapitating, auto-defacating, humor, and we can really use your sarcastic remarks and biting sense of morbidity, and your ability to invariably turn any conversation into a pity party that focuses solely on you and how messed up you are. So that we can all have a guaranteed miserable time together and bring the whole world down, way down, please, practice your best scowl and knit brows, evil eyes, blow offs, slow burns and cloud bursts way in advance, for a contest like this takes lots of unyielding, callous, dense, hard as nails, indurate, preparation. Excessively exhausted? Can't get out of bed? That's just the type of people we are looking for.
We are in search of individuals with low self-esteem who can coach others in the methods and practices of how to turn any event into a dramarama, we highly praise, well as best we can , talk about the down economy, relatives who have died, your visits to the alternative therapy clinics and your inability to gain rapport with anyone at anytime, sickness, your recent divorces, your aches and pains, the impossibility of getting anything done, blaming, back biting, without putting up a major fuss, messed up, it-ain't going too work psychopaths with a history of depression. It is our insincerest hope, that you can help us to fail, as well as possible as soon as possible and be the best at at it now; however, please notice that we don't think you can do it simply because you are such a failure and can never pay attention to what is going on, your co-workers, mom and dad were right on the money, when they said those wonderfully terrible things about you weren't they? Finally some results that work. We love to nitpick and don't see you having the qualities we are looking for, so drop out now.
Can you use n't in the most horrible way possible? Can you demean without saying a word? Can you point out the flaws in anyone's theory or beliefs? Are your horns sharpened appropriately? Do you know how to cry and pout about having fun at a clown convention? Exactly. Do you start every sentence with the word, "No," and start to interject before someone finishes- your thoughts? Miserably wonderful. Will you be able to stink up a room full of nuns and roses at a perfume factory, kill the effects of all the wonder drugs in the world, mimic those who smile and give us pleasant thoughts? Hate Patch Adams and miracles? Well, you might be on the right track but still you need to be a really spoiled, beyond all recognition, non-responding, code blue meanie to enter this contest, so many previous people have been better at it than you and so many are practicing so very quickly now.
I don't expect anyone to tweet this, that would be absurd, since you are having more than busy deceptively reading your Bibles, unwilling going to church, fawning in the mirror, cutting people off in traffic, pushing people in line, spreading gossip, misrepresenting the truth, wasting time, misleading others and being a general mess, hoping we go to war, praying that the President fails and sitting on your butt. Isn't it unfortunate how many other individuals succeed in failure where you haven't? Screwball.
We are not sure were this contest is going to be located, simply because our self-absorption and fear and uncertainty have overtaken us, but why wait? We are afraid happiness might knock on the door at anytime.
Send a real message today, scowl in the workplace, yell when you answer the phone, give the worst customer service you can, do not lift up, do not be loving, forbid it in your kids and family, learn to be extra-devious and kick the poor while they are down and congratulate yourself on how wonderful you are in all your vain and downtrodden ways. Encourage others in their noble pursuits and then at a crucial moment, dash away, helping all hope to fail. Promises, Promises, Promises unkept are a superior way at disachieving failure. Dejected, hmm not enough yet, fuming, still incomplete, how deep can you go? It stands to reason, and if you had any you would understand, you are a lemon a real washout and even then you don't seem to be able to keep that going well enough, what is a matter with you, you can botch this up better than that? You really aren't trying hard, you have so many opportunities to notice what is crappy and you have missed so many of them. I don't expect anyone to raise their hands, or applaud in compliance, however; can you push me further down into the abyss, pleaseee, with mud on top???????
Still it is well I use the word sparingly, super to be able to corrupt yourself in the worst way possible but can you do it to others quickly, now, right now and can you let it fester in them at will? How about children, those brats, so angelic, how as a society can we make them unseize their days? Hmmmm? You still don't get it. It is your life isn't it. Until now and the next time we meet do what doesn't work and notice what is the disastrous and continue to make it better in the opposite way?
What does the winner of this contest get? A unhealthy dose of luscious lust, a quadruple heaping of gluttony, glorious greed, lavish lumps on the log of laziness, worsening wrath, malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind, wait that is not all, you were anticipating less, wait there is more, to finalize any state of happiness, we will train those around you learn better ways to treat you just the way you hate it, and when all is said and done you can get the mirror chalice of pride.
Until we meet again do what doesn't work, try nothing different and notice all that is miserable.
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